How do I use motivational interviewing to talk with parents or caregivers?
You can use motivational interviewing to talk with parents and caregivers by listening for their mixed feelings about school, validating what they are up against, and collaborating on next steps instead of arguing about who is “right.” This approach fits especially well when families feel torn about attendance or school expectations and are tired of feeling blamed.
Why caregivers feel ambivalent about school and attendance
Many caregivers want their child to succeed in school, and also feel overwhelmed, skeptical, or discouraged by the system. They may be juggling work, transportation, health, safety concerns, past negative experiences with schools, or their own mental health. When schools come in hot with warnings, letters, or threats, ambivalence can harden into avoidance.
Research on school and family partnership for chronic absenteeism emphasizes that building trust, recognizing parents as partners, and using two‑way communication are central to improving attendance. Motivational interviewing provides educators with a structure for those conversations: partnership, empathy, curiosity, and collaborative problem-solving rather than blame.
Starting with partnership and permission
When you reach out to a caregiver, MI invites you to frame the conversation as a partnership. You are not calling to prove them wrong; you are calling to understand and support.
Educator: “Thank you for taking a few minutes to talk with me. Would it be alright if we spend a little time understanding how school has been going from your point of view and then see what, if anything, might help?”
Agenda setting and asking permission (Engaging/Focusing)
This respects their time and signals that you are not launching straight into a lecture. It also fits MI guidance on engaging and focusing with adults in the student’s network.
Listening for caregiver sustain talk and change talk
Caregivers have their own sustain talk and change talk about school expectations and attendance.
Sustain talk from caregivers might sound like:
“I cannot fight with them every morning. I have to get to work.”
“The school does not understand what we are dealing with.”
“They are not learning anything anyway.”
Change talk might sound like:
“I know they need to be there more.”
“I do not want them to fall behind like I did.”
“I just want them to graduate.”
In motivational interviewing with caregivers, you reflect both, then gently lean into the change talk side, similar to how you would with students.
Educator: “You are carrying a lot in the mornings, and it feels like the school does not always see that.”
Complex reflection of sustain talk and context (Engaging)
Educator: “At the same time, you really do not want your child to fall behind.”Double‑sided reflection highlighting change talk (Evoking)
This style is consistent with MI work in family and child welfare contexts, where practitioners use reflections and double‑sided reflections to bridge caregiver ambivalence.
Asking open questions that respect their reality
Motivational interviewing in schools with caregivers leans heavily on open questions that honor their expertise and bring out their experience.
“How have mornings been at your house lately when it comes to getting to school?”
“What has helped in the past on days when it went better?”
“What worries you most about how school is going right now?”
These are similar to questions used in MI‑informed attendance-improvement conferences with families, where school staff use MI to improve parent engagement on attendance.
You can also invite their ideas explicitly:
“From your perspective, what would you most like the school to understand about your situation?”
“What do you wish was different about how the school works for your child?”
This aligns with research that parent engagement increases when schools show genuine interest in family perspectives and treat caregivers as partners rather than problems. Mind you, this does not mean the school needs to change everything to align with every single student and their families. What this does is show the family that the school is genuinely interested in their perspectives, and more often than not, there is something that can be done on either side to work on future solutions.
Using OARS with caregivers around attendance
The same OARS skills you use with students work with parents and caregivers.
Short example around chronic absenteeism:
Educator: “I have noticed your child has missed quite a few days this term, and I wanted to check in instead of just sending more letters. How has this been for you?”Open question and expressing partnership (Engaging)
Caregiver: “It has been a mess. Some days, they refuse to get up. Some days, I do not have anyone to watch my younger kids. I cannot be in three places at once.”
Educator: “You are trying to manage a lot at once, and mornings can feel impossible.”Complex reflection acknowledging burden (Engaging/Evoking)
Caregiver: “Exactly. People act like I do not care, but I am exhausted.”
Educator: “You care a great deal, and you are exhausted from trying to make it all work.”Affirmation of care and effort plus reflection (Evoking)
Educator: “Given everything on your plate, what makes you still want them to be in school more regularly?”Evocative open question for Reasons/Need change talk (Evoking)
Caregiver: “I do not want them to end up like me. I want them to graduate.”
Educator: “Graduating and having more options than you had is really important to you.”Reflection of values‑based change talk (Evoking)
From there, you can begin to explore small, possible steps together.
Collaborating on realistic next steps instead of prescribing
Once you have heard change talk, you move into collaborative planning that respects both the school’s non‑negotiables and the family’s reality.
Educator: “Given how important graduation is to you and how hard mornings have been, what feels like one small change that might make getting here a little more doable?”Open question for small steps, emphasizing autonomy (Evoking/Planning)
Caregiver: “Maybe if the bus could pick them up closer to the house. Right now, it is a long walk and they refuse when it is dark.”
Educator: “Having the bus closer would make a big difference.”Reflection of proposed step (Evoking)
Educator: “Would it be alright if we look together at transportation options or a temporary plan for those early mornings?”Collaborative planning with permission (Planning)
In MI‑informed family work, this kind of joint problem-solving and resource connection is linked to stronger engagement and better outcomes. You might explore possibilities like:
Adjusted bus stops or routes where feasible.
Coordinating with a neighbor, older sibling, or community program.
Short‑term check‑ins or incentives that align with the family’s values, not just school priorities.
Keeping expectations clear while staying empathic
MI with caregivers is not about making school optional. It is about how you talk about expectations. Guidance on school refusal and chronic absenteeism encourages clear, consistent messages about the importance of attendance combined with empathy for the underlying challenges.
An MI‑consistent way to balance this might sound like:
Educator: “We both know that being in school regularly is not optional. At the same time, I hear how many barriers you are dealing with. I want us to work together on making this as manageable as we can for your family.”Double‑sided reflection plus partnership statement (Focusing/Evoking)
This honors the non‑negotiable nature of school while still centering the caregiver as a collaborator. Bonus tip: You’ll want to keep this attitude and presence throughout the entire conversation. These words sound nice, but if used as a tactic or not backed up by further collaboration, they can seem disingenuous, and you could lose the trust of your students’ families.
Practicing MI with caregivers in your role
To begin integrating motivational interviewing with caregivers around attendance and expectations:
1. For one upcoming call or conference, plan two or three open questions and reflections you want to try instead of leading with warnings.
2. Listen for at least one piece of caregiver change talk and reflect it before offering any suggestions.
3. When you move to planning, ask “What feels realistic for you?” and build from their ideas before adding yours.
This is the kind of work described in emerging practice guides on using MI to engage caregivers in school attendance interventions and in family‑centered programs like the Family Check‑Up. It also aligns closely with what we practice in Motivational Interviewing in Schools training, Change Conversation intensives, and 90‑day pilots at Evoking Change Institute, where educators learn how to bring families into the change conversation as true partners.
When motivational interviewing is part of how you talk with parents and caregivers, conversations about attendance and expectations can move from blame and burnout to shared understanding and realistic next steps.
